White white wine...

I am kind of singing the song, you know the one that goes 'Red red wine' by the Beejees, Gypsy Kings, Bob Marley or whomever actually sings it. If anyone heard my singing they wouldn't know who I was talking about anyway.

I question why no-one has ever praised or lambasted white, white wine in a song...

Let me tell you most of my friends and I have an irrevocable relationship with this lovely nectar.

White wine can be like your best friend or your worst enemy. It's like Bridget Jones's nemesis in the movie, that sickly sweet girl she names 'The jellyfish' who can be sooo nice but then let's out a lashing sting without any warning.

But like many women, white wine can be temperamental. Sometimes I can drink a bottle and be like, as sober as a cobra. Other times I can have 2 glasses and feel absolutely paralytic. Most of the time, I feel utterly fabulous and confident- like I really do have the best time ever and do you know what, after 2 glasses, I love to give my opinion and advice, I just know I have the best advice to give at that present moment and it makes it even better when you have a cigarette in hand and gorgeous Hotel Costes music pumping in the background.

And why get 2 glasses psshhhh, what a waste, when you can get a bottle, it's much cheaper I say. My friends and I always start off with, 'ok let's meet for 1 glass of wine'. I don't think it has ever been one glass. Either the night ends in frayed tempers, dancing on tables, or the placatory ...'it's ok he's a nice guy, I've known him for 2 hours, he's cool!'

White wine is also horrid because it gives you possibly the worst hangover in the world. Especially when you are in a dry climate and wake up with what feels like a dead hamster in your mouth and your pallet stuck to your tongue er or tongue stuck to pallet. With your makeup still glued on and your pillow smudged with mascara and your clothes lying in a crumpled heap next to the bed.

I fail to comprehend that something that tastes so nice, that can give you such a warm, fuzzy feeling or other times this sense of disquiet, yet calm and confident streak, can leave one hanging over the loo bowl in a dizzy mess thinking that death would be preferable the next day.

Here are some classic faux pas that some of my friends who shall remain nameless and me have done while under the influence:

- Spanked strangers and friends and even her little brother with a bread board that we said looked more like a sex paddle. Needless to say the only thing it's christened is bums.

- Sent a druken facebook message to said love of life with this looong message which when realised how long it was, shortened it to 'Simon = whatever' OMG cringe

- Had sex with ugly men who were like Brad Pitt the night before (ahem wine goggles)

- Had sex with own housemates

- Stomped foot and insisted on staying night at new crush's house even though you haven't smooched yet

- Admitted to sexual fantasies about Simon Cowell

- Accused best friend of stealing Woolies card and handbag

- Pretended to be Danish and ask for a cigarette in said fake accent

- Fallen alseep in the bath naked with bath mat as blanket

- Puked in a cab

- Drunken dialled parents (yup not even a crush)

- Danced in lounge to Whitney Houston...by yourself

- Shouted at a guy for not committing and wanting children on a 1st date

- Jumped on your best friend's boyfriend's brother in wait for it your best friend's brother's who used to be your boyfriend's bed, yup that's true

My verdict to this travesty? Drink champers instead, it gets you less drunk, less quickly.

Cheers

xoxo

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